We are just hours away from celebrating Christmas and in the hustle and bustle of the preparations I have been pondering tradition.  Family traditions are shared experiences that are repeated over time. Traditions become part of a family’s shared memory and history, and typically draw the family members closer to each other.

But what happens when the member of your family who is the driver or keeper of the traditions passes away?  My mom passed away in 2014.  In our family she was the keeper of our many holiday traditions.

Just a week before our first Thanksgiving without her, my Dad, my brother, my sister-in-law and I were discussing what to do.  We had always held the meal at my mom and dad’s house.  For the first time in more than 40 years we were considering going to someone else’s house or finding a buffet somewhere.  My nephew, who was six, overheard us talking and said, “We always have Thanksgiving at grandma’s house.  I don’t want to go somewhere else.”  We looked at each other and decided we would try.

My dad and I had helped my mom prepare the turkey before, but we had never done this task alone—and quite frankly it had us worried.  Because of the short time frame, we hatched a plan.  There was a turkey in the freezer that my mom had purchased before she passed.  While neither of us had cooked a turkey in the oven—every Fourth of July for more than 20 years my dad cooked turkey on the grill for our annual family reunion.  I said to him, “How would you feel about pulling the grill out and grilling our Thanksgiving turkey?”  He agreed and that Thanksgiving we had grilled turkey with all the Thanksgiving trimmings!  We have since figured out how to cook the turkey in the oven and we have been refining our skills with the help of my Aunt.  It may not have been the traditional way to prepare the bird, but we were able to maintain the traditional location and experience for my nephew.  We continue to host Thanksgiving at my Father’s home.

Those first few years after my mom passed, at Christmas time, I tried to maintain as many traditional foods and activities as possible.  I baked cookies, and planned appetizers, made sure relatives got Christmas cards, and tried to be fancy with my gift giving.  I learned very quickly that being the keeper (or maintainer) of traditions is exhausting and sometimes all the work, time, and money goes unnoticed or unappreciated.  I have humbly learned that I am NOT my mother.  I had to sort through our traditions and keep only the ones that were most important to me.  Other traditions have shifted slightly—and, of course, we have created some new traditions.

My mother loved the movie White Christmas.  Over the years I watched it with her many times—both the movie and the play.  I have often said it isn’t Christmas without a little Bing Crosby singing White Christmas.  After her death, it was too difficult to watch the movie or even listen to the song.  I would change the station when it came on the radio.  In 2017, I worked up the courage to watch the movie and I decided to put up my Christmas tree at the same time.  Soon I found myself singing along to the familiar tunes and I felt closer to my mother.  It has become my new tradition to watch White Christmas while decorating.  Part of our tradition, different, but part of our tradition just the same.

Maybe traditions were meant to change over time.  As significant people in our families leave us—we are left with a hole in our hearts and our holidays.  Maybe it is okay to let some things go or allow them to morph into something slightly different.  Those traditions become uniquely associated with that loved one–creating a treasured memory of just that person.  New traditions, or new versions of traditions, emerge and become uniquely associated with remaining family members.

Here are a few other thoughts about reconstructing traditions after the loss of a loved one.

• Don’t put the pressure on yourself to maintain every family tradition in its original form.
• If a young child is involved and there is a specific tradition that is important to him or her then focus on that one tradition in the year after a death, but also bring a new element into the holiday to create a new tradition.
• What traditions are important to you? Choose just one or two to carry on.
• Consider putting your own twist on a tradition—make it your own.
• Keep a holiday tradition journal where you can log activities and keep family recipes. Engage others in keeping the journal.  This journal can be a great comfort to others after a death.
• Keep telling stories of holidays past. Keep memories alive while making new ones.

To all those celebrating this holiday season with a hole in your heart—may you be surrounded by those you love, may you remember those you have lost, and may your traditions honor your past, but inspire hope and joy for your future.

Remember the show Quantum Leap?  Quantum Leap was a television show that aired in the late 1980’s and early 1990’s.  In the show Doctor Sam Beckett and his team discover a way to time travel.  Sam himself did the “leaping.”  He finds himself trapped in the past and leaping into the lives of random people.  To find his way back to the present Sam needs to keep leaping and the only way to leap is to “set right what once went wrong.”  The challenge of every episode—figure out who he had “leaped” into and what needed to be remedied.  Once the past was changed would he “leap.”  Sometimes, when his leap was delayed, he would exclaim, “I fixed “x”—why haven’t I leaped yet?!”

From watching this show I became intrigued with the thought that someone could come into your life for a time, change it for the better, and then move on to the next place.  I have often felt compelled to “leap” to something else only to find myself feeling trapped.  In retrospect, I have always been able to discern that my inability to “leap” had a reason behind the “wait.”

Once again, I find myself waiting.  Waiting something different.  Waiting for someone new to come into my life.  Something new to engage my brain and my heart.  I have never been one to be superstitious or look for “signs.”  But in all my waiting, my patience fried, I’ve asked God for signs.  I’ve looked for signs.  I think I may have even been given signs.  Signs that I am on the right track, signs that I need to stay the course.  Three separate times in the last 18 months I have given up—defeated and exhausted.  I have said, “no more—I’m done.”  And yet each time the response was, “wait—be patient.”

I’m ready to leap—leap into that next chapter in my life, but my experience tells me that if everything isn’t aligned it won’t last.  I have two examples of this from my work world.

In 2004, I applied for a job that I knew I would love.  I got an interview, but did not get the position.  In 2005 the position became available again.  I applied and got an interview.  Once again, I did not get the job.  Thanksgiving week of 2007 I received a call from a woman who interviewed me in 2004.  She said the position was open again and wanted to know if I would be interested in another interview.  The next week I interviewed and a few days later I was offered the job.

As I started the job I came to learn that the position had actually been open two additional times.  I was the fifth person in the role in less than three years.  What I came to realize is that the conditions in the organization at the time of the first and second interview were such that I would not have been successful.  I was ready for the position, but the position and the organization were not ready for me.  I spent three years in the role and loved all the work that I did during that time.

Several years later, in a different organization I was ready to get out.  In my field there are not many positions dedicated to the work that I do therefore, my choices are limited.  An opportunity came up at one of the most highly respected employers in town.  Despite having a recruiter friend at the company, I didn’t make it past the phone interview.  Disappointed I had to keep moving forward.  I threw myself back into my work.

At the time, I had a colleague who seemed to always get assigned menial tasks like updating PowerPoint slides and retyping meeting notes.  She originally took the position because she wanted to do more teaching—instead she was tied to her desk.  I asked our mutual boss if my colleague could help me with some leadership development sessions.  I thought our boss would think this was a great idea.  I was quite surprised when she said, “no—she isn’t ready to be in front of leaders yet.”  I disagreed, but at first obeyed my boss’ wishes.  Then I thought—what the heck—I could include my colleague in the sessions.  I’m usually a very compliant employee, but I couldn’t stand to see my co-worker literally wasting away at her desk.  First, she came into a session to observe, then she co-taught a section with me, then she taught a lesson on her own.  And you know what?  She did a great job!

My colleague confided in me that she was also looking for a new position.  It wasn’t long before she found one.  On her last day in our department she said to me, “I thank God for you Dawn.  If it wasn’t for you believing in me I wouldn’t have had the courage to try this new position.”  I consider this one of the highest compliments I have ever received.

On the heels of her departure I was reflecting on what she said and what had transpired.  If I had gotten the job I had applied for months earlier, I wouldn’t have been around to encourage my co-worker.  I remember quoting Quantum Leap when I was lamenting to my mom, “I guess I was supposed to stay and help my co-worker, but if that is the case—then why haven’t I leaped?!”

Six months had passed since I had interviewed for that other position.  There hadn’t been a job to apply for in months.  Low and behold, a second identical position opened in that highly respected employer and one month to the day of my colleague’s departure I was interviewing for that position.  Two weeks later I was offered the position.  I am still in that same position nearly five years later.  In this case, again, I was ready to leave, but there was still work to be done in my current world.

Here I am—I’m waiting, I’m ready to “leap.”  I take comfort in the fact that preparations are still being made in that new world.  I guess I will still be here—patiently waiting—for whatever wonderful thing is being made ready just for me.

Note: I dedicate this post to KE who will recognize her own story above—thank you!  And also, to all the friends who have been patiently waiting with me—you know who you are—love you!  dmj

When I was 25 and just a couple of years out of college I started writing a memoir entitled, “Successive Approximations: The Wisdom of a Quarter Century of Life.”  I wrote diligently for months.  Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) I never finished.  I now laugh at the thought that I had “so many” stories and words of wisdom to share at the age of 25.  However, almost 20 years later I still find myself drawn to sharing life stories–both my own as well as others.

“Successive approximations” is a term that I learned while earning my psychology degree.  For some reason the term stuck with me.  It refers to the learning and shaping that occurs in child development.  From my original manuscript: “A baby does not suddenly walk or talk, he or she must learn to scoot and crawl or coo and babble first.  Each attempt on the baby’s part is usually encouraged or reinforced in some way by the people around him or her.  Thus, each try is closer to the desired end result.”  I was immediately struck by the fact that this shaping did not end in childhood.  Every new job, new relationship, and new circumstance we experience in life shapes us–sometimes in positive ways and sometimes in not so positive ways.

I have always held the belief that we are given challenges in our lives for a reason. Unless we take the time to examine the experience–we are missing an opportunity to learn and to grow.  On “Life Re-Examined” I will be telling some of my own stories, musing about common issues we can face together, and sharing lessons learned from my friends and family.  My hope is that you will come to Life Re-Examined to learn about others, share your own thoughts, and hopefully be inspired to boldly live your newly “re-examined” life.